I Wanna Be a Toys"R"Us Kid!

It seems as though my 25th year is going to be all about growing up. The kind of growing up from a young adult into a full fledged grown-up (do grown-ups refer to themselves as grown-ups?). The last three months of my 24th year have made this inclination pretty evident. It seems more rugs have been pulled out from under me than I can count on one hand. Each time my world is rocked but God is faithful and has also made it easier each time. With each branch that God prunes away, he reminds me where my foundation is supposed to be. "Are you trusting in this thing or person over here? Let me prune it away and show you how you can trust in me instead." It's getting to the point where it's just me and Jesus and I haven't many options besides standing firm on Him. I don't have many hands to help me stabilize. Yes, He may let me fall from time to time but I know it'll only make me stronger. That's what I keep telling myself. These growing pains are awfully tough sometimes. Thankfully, though, He isn't just my only option. He's my best option.

Temper, Temper

What annoys you the most? What pet peeve cuts through your patience quicker than anything else? Drives you crazy just to recall it, doesn't it? 

When it comes to these "buttons" of mine, I see just how short lived my patience is. My temper flares up and I'm sent into a sinful rant against my instigator. Last night I battled one of my biggest pet peeves. I was upset and annoyed and then the Holy Spirit cut through my impatience and reminded me of how patient He is. If my own habitual sin wasn't annoying enough, consider all of our sin playing over and over again on God's big screen T.V. He sees it constantly; it's relentless. Yet He is slow to anger and abounding in love! His love never fails. My God does not have a quick temper. He is long-suffering toward me. This reminds me of how great God is. He is bigger than pet peeves. He is far above being annoyed. I'm incapable of such patience but I'm amazed by my Lord who is capable of it and lavishes patient love upon me.

I'll Just Take the Presents, Thank You Very Much

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17 ESV)

I'm really good at loving the gifts Gods gives me more than Him. Be it people, things, or circumstances, I too easily end up clinging to these gifts and worshipping them rather than the perfect Father of mine who's given them to me. I have terribly misplaced gratitude. Perhaps some of it stems from wanting to believe in what is seen rather than the Unseen. However flawed, I find myself more easily putting trust in the presence of people in my life because I can see them and experience them in very tangible ways.

God, you are every bit as real as these people in my life. Needless to say the relationship You offer is perfect and pure. You love me infinitely more deeply than any person (ever). Open my eyes to see You. Help me to see that just to have Your love is already exceedingly more than I deserve. When You give me gifts (however briefly) in my life, bend my heart further toward You! May gratitude overflow in my heart toward You, Jesus. Gratitude that is pure and honoring to You. Gratitude that marvels at Your great love which You lavish upon me. Help me to hold these gifts with open hands. Help me to trust Your judgement. Help me to lean upon Your unending faithfulness. Let my heart be satisfied not in the gifts You give but You alone.

This is Plan A

Life often catches me by surprise. I'll be headed down what I think is a straight, clearly marked road and all of the sudden I'm blindsided. Life turns a sharp corner and I suddenly feel lost and directionless. It's during seasons like these that I cling to God's sovereignty. "This is the original plan. I'm not surprised by this," He tells me, "In fact, I knew it would be this way all along. Even from eternity past." That's when I can lean hard into Him; trusting Him with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him then He will make my path straight. There is immense comfort in that truth. God is here. He is involved. He is never caught by surprise. Praise You, Lord, for that truth! Thank you for letting peer into Your plan every once in a while so I can see how all of these "surprises" fit together to create a beautiful story.

This Isn't a Phase

Three and half years ago, God began charting an ever changing course for me by placing me in a paid ministry position. Two years ago He decided to up the excitement by putting me in full time ministry. My life has literally never been the same. Countless changes in policy, staffing, buildings, etc. have taken place in a very short period of time. Changes that have constantly pushed me and prodded me towards God. They have forced me to depend on Him, and when I forget I need Him, another change is right around the corner to remind me. Now this all coincided with a number of changes in my life socially and personally. I used to think this was just a 'season.' Eventually things settle down, right? Or this is just part of being a 20-something, right? My 30's will be much calmer. Or, it's because I do full time ministry- that's it!

Well, maybe. Full time ministry is, by nature, wrought with change. God moves pastors around as He wills. A church that desires to please God grows and changes, doesn't it? But I'm thinking this is life. This is the typical life of Laura Brown or ___________ (whoever you are). God is not about letting things stay the same. There isn't any growth in that.

Unfortunately for me, I am adverse to change. I really like things to stay the same; at least as far as relationships are concerned. I give a lot of my heart to the people I love so inevitably I hurt when God deems it necessary to use them elsewhere. But there is growth in it. There is growth and dependence on God. Jesus Christ. My Great High Priest who identifies with my weaknesses and promises mercy and grace in my time of need. I'm not sure change will ever be something I look forward to, but Lord let me see the good in it, if You would! Give me a clearer understanding of how You use change to increase my dependence upon You. It is my desire to increase my dependence upon You. This isn't the way I'd choose. I'd very much prefer to snap my fingers and simultaneously keep all my friends AND love You perfectly. That's not the way You work. Help me to submit to that.

Eternal Eyes

I get into so much trouble when I forget to think with an eternal focus. The circumstances in my life become overwhelming and I can't see past today. But when I remember that this life is a breath (really, just one!), then I am able to see just a little bit of what God sees. I feel so trapped by time. This life feels so long; deceivingly so. Oh, that you would give me your eternal eyes, Jesus! If life is so short here, there is much to be done. Life can't sit still. A good friend recently compared the change in our lives to water. To keep the water good and enjoyable it must be constantly flowing and moving. When it sits bad stuff grows. Nobody wants to drink stagnant water except mosquitos. Such is life. When it stops stirring I get too comfortable. Bad stuff grows in me; stuff like complacency. Lord, help me to love the change that you cause trusting that you are in the midst of it. You are sovereign. I cannot see the bigger picture so I need to trust the One who can.

How He Loves Us

His love for me extends far beyond my circumstances. I so quickly forget that any good thing I have is only a gift on loan from Him. How dare I feel a sense of entitlement to who or what He's placed in my life. The trouble is I do grip tightly to these gifts. Lord, help me to see that any good thing I receive from You is completely undeserved. You see further than I can. Help me to to suddenly see the afflictions in my life become eclipsed by your glory. Help me trust that you are not unfamiliar with my hurt but that you grieve with me. Help me to lean hard into you so I can receive that mercy and grace in my time of need.

This is Home

Yeah, this is home, now I'm finally where I belong
Yeah, this is home, I've been searching for a place of my own,
Now I found it, maybe this is home
Yes this is home

There is a part of me that just comes alive when I'm showing hospitality to loved ones in my own home. Whether it's fellowshipping over a meal I've prepared or playing a game, I have this God-given sense of fulfillment. I'm certain He's placed in me the gift and desire to be hospitable. I'm incredibly blessed to finally have the opportunity to express this gift. The series of events which led to being able to move out can only be attributed to Him too. He placed roommates before me, put me in a new position at work to help pay for my new bills, and even showered more blessing on me by increasing my housesitting jobs so I could buy furniture and decor! And now I have a place that is feeling more and more like "home" all the time. Few things make me happier than being able to create an environment where my loved ones can be fed and feel at home. I pray God continues to use this gift in me for His glory; that the love of Christ will be felt in a tangible way when someone enters my home.

Let the Creative Juices Flow!

I get paid to be creative. Trouble is, creativity can't just be turned on or off. I don't have a faucet for my imagination. There's a lot of waiting and thinking associated with creating. Then I think about God. THE Creator. His creativity is limitless. He made the entire world in 6 short days. Incredible, right? He is so much bigger than my little mind is able to fathom. Maybe today He'll let me dip my finger in His pool of creativity so I can get my projects done. : )

Suddenly Your Grace

I fell face first into God's grace today. Lately I've been thinking about who I can allow to take over some of my extra responsibilities that I can't give enough time to at work. Part of me doesn't want to give over control but a bigger part of me knows that I am incapable of doing everything AND doing it well. I'd just started to think through some names when, low and behold, God sends someone to ME offering to lift a load. It's as if He knows what I need... ;o) It will, of course, take extra time to train but am I ever grateful to my Jesus for lifting this load off my shoulders! Praise God!

Mercy & Grace

It's promised. "Come to me naked and bare before me and I will answer back with mercy and grace. I won't condemn you. I won't lash out in anger because you're my child," He says.

Opening up about the hard things is difficult for me. I tend to think I have a harder time of it than most; though I'm probably wrong. Rather than confront an issue or speak up when I'm upset, often times I will burry it and call it "letting it go."

But opening up about the hard things to the One who already knows them should be easy, right? Hardly.

In the confessing is the confrontation with reality. There's a a measure of denial that can take place when I never bring it up; even to God.

But. He knows.

The point isn't to clue Him in on my day like I would any other close friend. I don't bare my heart before Him because He can't read my signals.

I can't pretend to know why He desires us to open ourselves to Him. What I do know is the result.

The admission comes and immediately I'm drowning in His mercy. "I know. I still love you." I instantly feel as though I've been propelled into a deeper place with Him. A whole new level of intimacy. And I'm left wanting more and more of Him.

When the Clouds Roll Away

As I drove to Starbucks this morning for my coffee date with the Lord, it was raining. It got me thinking about how much I love the rain. That week we had last month was wonderful. It rained all week long. Sometimes pretty hard rain- especially for Bakersfield. It wasn't so fun to drive in at night and it got in the way of a lot of people's plans for themselves. But once the rain stopped and the clouds rolled away, you could see the mountains with picture perfect clarity. It was the clearest and most beautiful sky I've seen in a very long time. I could see the mountains in all their glory with those beautiful white snowpeaks. What a glorious display of God's creation! I couldn't wait for the next heavy rain if it meant I'd get to see those mountains again!

Then I thought about how the rain is a lot like the hard times in my life. They make getting around a little more frustrating; sometimes dangerous. They get in the way of the plans I made for myself. But when the clouds of those trials roll away, I see God more clearly. I see how He used that trial, that rain, to wash away the impurities in me and mold me more into his image. Rather than marvel at His creation, I get to marvel at my Creator. Though I probably don't look forward to the next trial as much as I look forward to the next rain, I do know that on the other side of it will be a display of God's great glory. And like those mountains, He's been there the whole time.

Wait and See

I feel like God's saying, "Wait. Have patience. It's not quite time to make a move. Just sit tight and trust me in the meantime." I'm sitting at this fork in the road, so ready to move on and make a choice but everything around me is saying wait. The time has not yet come. I guess it's times such as these when I'm supposed to learn contentment and trust in my God. I guess 2010 will be no different from 2009; full of change. :o)

there is hope for me yet because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me I have to wait and see He's not finished with me yet...

The Word of Promise New Testament

Recently I discovered Book Sneeze. This website allows bloggers to receive complimentary copies of Thomas Nelson books in exchange for reading them and posting a review. I recently received The Word of Promise New Testament. This is an audio version of the New Testament in an audio drama style featuring the voices of actors such as Jim Caviezel as Jesus. It uses the New King James version. When I discovered this product, I jumped at the opportunity but I was honestly skeptical about it being NKJ version. To my surprise and pleasure, I found the wording to be simple and easy to follow. This drama style has truly brought God’s Word to life in a new and exciting way for me. Conversations carry tone and feeling. Events are enhanced with sound effects. I even found myself getting emotional as I heard the story of Stephen’s stoning in Acts. It’s truly the next best thing to watching a movie of the events; perhaps better because it’s a word for word retelling of scripture. This audio format makes it so easy to listen while I drive. I would absolutely recommend this to anyone.

Perfect Praise

This mind of mine

It was meant to think on You

To dwell on the things of You, my Jesus

But it's divided and distracted

Wondering what they'd say or do

This heart of mine

was created to give to You

Complete, unadulterated love in action

But it strays and forgets

Running away into empty arms

These lips of mine

They were formed to shout your praises

To sing worship to my audience of one

But they cut and tear down

Raise the volume and steal Your glory

This Heaven of Yours

Is where I was made to dwell

To give You an undivided mind

Offer the pure love of my heart

And from my lips pour out perfect praise.

Two Websites That Might Change Your Life

They've helped me a ton, anyway.

The Daily Plate

A couple years ago I was listening to the radio morning show and someone called in with a tip about this website that helps you track how you're eating and working out. He said it had already helped him lose some weight. I made a note of it and joined the website later that day. I've wavered in and out of my commitment to the website over the years but it's usefulness has never faded. Within the last year or so, The Daily Plate teamed up with Lance Armstrong's organization Livestrong and the site now finds its home at livestrong.com. They actually just released a beta update and it's awesome! There is a pretty good database of foods and physical activities which allows you to track your caloric intake every day. You can also track your weight, a limited amount of body measurements, and you can set weight loss/gain goals. The beauty of it is pretty much the entire site is free to join (you can become a gold member with a few extra perks; $45/year) and it's web based which means you can track your calories at home, at work, or on your iPhone (there's an app for that).

Wesabe

After a couple years of not so successfully using excel spreadsheets to track my spending, I'd been tirelessly searching for a personal finance tool that would allow me to track my spending and create a budget. Pretty much any downloadable software you can get for free is worthless and it's hard to know if they're any good without paying 30 bucks or so for them. And call me crazy, but I don't want to pay for a tool to help me save money! One day it dawned on me. A downloadable software program means I can only update it when I'm on my personal computer. What if I could find a free web based site that was secure and had all the features I required? What if tracking my personal finance was as easy as the Daily Plate made tracking my eating? So a new search had begun. I googled like mad. Almost everything costs money out there. There were many websites that came close but either were no longer accepting members or didn't support my bank; Kern Schools (mint.com; I'd still recommend this site for those of you with Bank of America or other big banks). Then I stumbled upon Wesabe. Although not seamless, there is a way for it to securely download my account information from Kern Schools through Firefox. Tags make it easy to show where my money is coming from and going to. One of my favorite features is that I can add a cash account to manually keep track of. This is a huge help to me as I withdraw cash each month as a sort of "allowance." Now I can keep track of it too. For the first time in my life I really feel like I know where my money is going. With that knowledge I can make much more educated saving and spending choices. AND it's got an iPhone app!

That's my commercial. It's not the most fun thing in the world to keep on top of your eating or your personal finance but with easy, web-based, and intuitive tools such as these, you just might actually do it!

Time In Between (Francesca Battestelli)

You were there when Your Father said, "Let there be light!" You obeyed when He whispered, "Son You have to leave tonight to spend nine months in a mothers womb; three days in a borrowed tomb."
But it's the time in between that brings me to my knees knowing You came for me and all that I can't be; I'm amazed; so amazed. And I thank You for the time in between.
Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace and the enemy of my soul says You're holding out on me. So I stand here lifting empty hands for you to fill me up again.

But it's the time in between that I fall down to my knees waiting on what You'll bring and the things that I can't see. I know my song's incomplete still I'll sing in the time in between.

So many ways Your love has saved the day and I'm grateful for them all.

But it's the time in between the middle of two thieves that says everything! It's the reason I believe; I'm amazed; so amazed. And I thank You for the time in between. Oh Lord, I thank You for the time in between.