"what matters is that we spend ourselves"

reflections on chapter seven of Crazy Love by Francis Chan

I'm encouraged and convicted by this chapter. It pleases my heart and gives me joy to think that I am doing these very things right now- giving. Without boasting, I can say I'm obeying this command. But then if I ask what I'm sacrificing to give, I don't have an answer. Sure I'm sacrificing a few temporary pleasures here and there. This money over here is mine to use on myself and would likely end up going towards clothing or electronics that don't need. But there's this woman over here who has no clothing to her name except what's on her back. I could take these funds and buy one more shirt to add to the twenty already in my closet. Or I could buy a shirt to add to this woman's two others. Which is more important?
And yet, that's not asking very much of myself. Especially considering that those are all extranious funds! We're not even talking about what I need to pay the bills month to month. God has certainly given me a lot of resources at this stage of life. And it's not about a comparison of what I have versus what my friends have. As Francis says, what matters is that I spend myself. I need to take what He's given me and give it away- as though there is a life better than this one ahead of me. That means giving beyond the surprise funds that come it. It means giving until I have to trust God to provide what I need to pay the few bills I have right now... I mean, really? Car payment, cell phone, and insurance? That's all?
And yet, Lord, I struggle because I am in debt with my car. And I live a long way from where I work and spend the majority of my life. I've complained to more than one person about my 20 minute commute (one way). But excuses will always be there, I realize. Something will always be fighting for my affections- this earth is not going to see me satisfied unless I live how I was created. Aiming for comfortable is a slippery slope into discontent, pride, and selfishness. Aiming for the love of the Father is all that will bring me satisfaction and fulfillment. Why is comfortable so appealing? I know the answer. It's in me. Until this disease of sin is cured upon my death and entrance into Heaven, I will be cursed to battle against my fleshly desires. I want to want You. I know I need too need You. God, I desire to desire You. But it won't come with my own efforts. Just as You restored me to my salvation, you must restore me to a passionate love for You. One that seeks You daily and loves your Word- loves it so much that any other book is far less valuable. Give me a longing for you, Lord.